Addiction

Friday, September 28, 2012

It's hard to explain addiction to people that don't experience it.  I am an addict.  I have struggled with it most of my life and I will continue to struggle with it until the day I leave this earth.  It's not something that consumes me every day but it's there and when it shows its ugly head it's devastating.

It's hard to describe.  It disappears for days or weeks and then something will trigger it and it takes over you...the incredible urge to do what you know is wrong.  During those moments, you're almost out of yourself and all you want to do is give in to it.  The strength and intensity of the urge is something indescribable.  It takes over.  And many times when it comes, you can't stop it.  You convince yourself that it's OK and give yourself the permission to give in.  From that moment on, you're on a train that has no brakes.  You dive deep into your addiction and revel in the sin of it and the pure joy (or high) it give you.  But inevitably a few hours or  even days later you wake up and feel disappointed and depleted.  And you have to pull yourself together and start again.

You've probably guessed what I'm talking about.  The addiction is not drugs or alcohol.  It's food.  I hate to even put that label on it because it diminishes its strength.  Even though its process and result can be very different than those other addictions, it can be just as sad and painful and ultimately for some people destructive.  

Sometimes I feel so healthy and in control and I walk around thinking that I've overcome it.  That finally now that I'm older, healthier, in better shape, I'm not susceptible to it.  But then it comes back one day and reminds me that I'll never be totally free of it.  But with every good decision I make and every day that goes by filled with those small good decisions, I chip away at its power.

  



4 comments :

  1. It's so damn hard isn't it? I'm on day five of not giving in, and going strong. But it's a CONSTANT battle inside my head still.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good job. It's a life long thing...sometimes it's easy sometimes it's so hard that I just want to give up. But I don't and I know you don't either. :)

      Delete
  2. Oh, baby...picture me, at the podium, "My name is Kim, and I am a Food Addict". Friend, I am sooooo with you here. You really describe the struggle well...feeling at times so restrained and loving that healthy, clean feeling. But then it's like the flood gates blow open and bam, an entire block of brie is in my mouth. And yes, each good decision builds muscle for making more good decisions. Sending you a big hug. Stay strong! I will too. Heaven help me...Halloween is coming...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kim. I'm so glad we got some real bonding time this summer. I will accept your big hug and sending you one right back.

      Delete