Addiction

It's hard to explain addiction to people that don't experience it.  I am an addict.  I have struggled with it most of my life and I will continue to struggle with it until the day I leave this earth.  It's not something that consumes me every day but it's there and when it shows its ugly head it's devastating.

It's hard to describe.  It disappears for days or weeks and then something will trigger it and it takes over you...the incredible urge to do what you know is wrong.  During those moments, you're almost out of yourself and all you want to do is give in to it.  The strength and intensity of the urge is something indescribable.  It takes over.  And many times when it comes, you can't stop it.  You convince yourself that it's OK and give yourself the permission to give in.  From that moment on, you're on a train that has no brakes.  You dive deep into your addiction and revel in the sin of it and the pure joy (or high) it give you.  But inevitably a few hours or  even days later you wake up and feel disappointed and depleted.  And you have to pull yourself together and start again.

You've probably guessed what I'm talking about.  The addiction is not drugs or alcohol.  It's food.  I hate to even put that label on it because it diminishes its strength.  Even though its process and result can be very different than those other addictions, it can be just as sad and painful and ultimately for some people destructive.  

Sometimes I feel so healthy and in control and I walk around thinking that I've overcome it.  That finally now that I'm older, healthier, in better shape, I'm not susceptible to it.  But then it comes back one day and reminds me that I'll never be totally free of it.  But with every good decision I make and every day that goes by filled with those small good decisions, I chip away at its power.

  

Grateful

So my first days of work were great.  Very busy but great.  And I still made it to my son's back to school visit and did most of my mommy stuff.  Not all but hey I'm not superman!

Something I've been thinking about a lot is gratitude.  With all the busy-ness and stress we encounter and all the positive and negative that is thrown at us and we throw out, it's so important to take a minute and breath and be grateful.

But it seems to me that it's easy to feel grateful for the good things in your life.  What is difficult and more important is to feel gratitude for the difficult and sometimes even nasty things.

For example, someone is cold to you or even downright mean.  Although not pleasant, I think there is something in his or her behavior that merits gratitude (you know I'm talking about a her!).  She teaches you (or more likely reminds you) that it is OK to not be liked by everyone (oh the horror of not being liked!!).  Also, you're more grateful for the people that do adore you (the smart ones!) and learn not to take them for granted.  It's good practice for forgiving people (if you can do it, God bless you...I have a hard time with forgiveness) and not letting negative energy penetrate your day (I wish I had a magic power that helped with this but alas no such luck...I have to use a lot of jedi mind tricks and even those don't work that well).

So be thankful for the occasional meanie that crosses your path because they just making you stronger and more grateful.

First Day

It's the first day of school for my kids and my first day back at work (part time) in nearly four years.  I'm  doing a short fill in for a friend and colleague that's on maternity leave.

I've been so nervous about this day.  My baby started elementary school today.  My heart went with him on the bus this morning along with my older son so makes me so proud every day.  It was hard to see them leave for school.  They're growing up so fast.  I've loved having them around the whole summer and now the house feels so empty.  Don't get me wrong, I love the silence but I still miss their voices around the house.

And now I have to get myself together and get to the hundreds of things that are on my to do list including "go to work!"  Ahhhh!  I was trying on outfits last night and realized I don't know what people wear to work anymore.  Some of my choices seemed more fit for a cocktail party than work.  And others seemed way to casual.  It is summer after all and super hot but are nice tank tops OK for work?  I think I'll skip those.  I'm going for a uniform of sorts.  Straight cut black pants and a nice short sleeved shirt.  Nothing fancy but still flattering.  Comfortable but not frumpy.

OK.  My heart is pounding a mile a minute.  Here I go!

Hope you're "first days" are going well.

Awesome marriage proposal!

This is the cutest thing ever!  I watched it twice and cried each time.  I'm such a sap but it's just so fun and sweet.  I love LOVE...I wish it for everyone.  :)

Life with kids is just funny

The other day we were at soccer practice for my 5 year old and as they were doing roll call, he got up to adjust his shorts and said almost to himself "sometimes my clothes get stuck in my private parts."  Suddenly there was silence.  I think all anyone heard was "my private parts."  The coach said "what?"  He repeated much louder this time "SOMETIMES MY CLOTHES GET STUCK IN MY PRIVATE PARTS!!"  I was mortified and thought it was hilarious at the same time.  The adults around the kids were trying to hold back their laughter but also kind of embarrassment for me and him.  My husband was far away so he didn't hear.  When I told him he almost fell over laughing.  Life is funny!

Forgiveness

Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  That's one of the things I need to do a better job of...forgiveness.  I try so hard to be a good wife, mother, friend, daughter and sister.  But sometimes I fall short of where I want to be and it's so hard not beating myself up about it.

Wishing you had done things differently is not the answer.  Recognize where you failed, forgive yourself for your short comings and try to do better next time.

A mantra I need to remember.  :)

Girl friends forever

This is hard to admit but some days I feel really sad that I don't have one best girl friend that I can call at any time for any thing, who I can trust completely and whom I love and loves me.  Someone that is totally loyal to me and me to her and we know that our friendship is something stronger than any bond.  Don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful girl friends.  Probably more than I've ever had in my life.  I feel so luck to be surrounded by such warm, smart and just plain lovely women.  And each of them fill most of that role and hopefully I fill some of that role for them.

But it's not the same as having one best friend.  I always loved having a great confidant.  Ever since I was a little girl I always yearned for that.  It could be that I don't have a sister and always wanted that relationship.  It could be that I'm from a culture where female friendship is a cornerstone of life.

During high school, I had friends that were like sisters (I went to an all girl catholic boarding school) and our friendships were so strong and deep because we essentially grew up together.  We're still so close today and make great sacrifices to see each other as often as possible.  During college, I had one best friend all four years.  We were not only great friends but also roommates for four years.  I always knew that no matter what happened she was there for me and I for her, like sisters...total love and loyalty.

Now that role is filled by my husband.  He's my best friend.  And even though I pinch myself thinking about how lucky I got to find such an amazing man to share my life with, I still yearn sometimes to just pick up a phone and call that one girl that knows me completely and can commiserate about all the silly girl things that I worry about, complain about and want to laugh about.