It's hard to describe. It disappears for days or weeks and then something will trigger it and it takes over you...the incredible urge to do what you know is wrong. During those moments, you're almost out of yourself and all you want to do is give in to it. The strength and intensity of the urge is something indescribable. It takes over. And many times when it comes, you can't stop it. You convince yourself that it's OK and give yourself the permission to give in. From that moment on, you're on a train that has no brakes. You dive deep into your addiction and revel in the sin of it and the pure joy (or high) it give you. But inevitably a few hours or even days later you wake up and feel disappointed and depleted. And you have to pull yourself together and start again.
You've probably guessed what I'm talking about. The addiction is not drugs or alcohol. It's food. I hate to even put that label on it because it diminishes its strength. Even though its process and result can be very different than those other addictions, it can be just as sad and painful and ultimately for some people destructive.
Sometimes I feel so healthy and in control and I walk around thinking that I've overcome it. That finally now that I'm older, healthier, in better shape, I'm not susceptible to it. But then it comes back one day and reminds me that I'll never be totally free of it. But with every good decision I make and every day that goes by filled with those small good decisions, I chip away at its power.